Depression is like drowning

I keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest. It has changed me into something I never meant to be. It has transformed me into a person I do not recognize; but I don't know how to let it go.
S.J.B

Change

I have a love hate relationship with change, I love change when its on my terms, but I hate it when its the kind of change that will forever affect my life, like when people move away to other states that aren't close to North Carolina. But I guess I should be grateful that things change up, cause if everything was the same forever then life would be boring. Another positive of change is that when this change is good for other people, like my friends the W. Family are moving to New Mexico to be the director of CEF for that state, this is a good kind of change because they are going to a place to tell others who have truly never heard of the good news of the gospel. When the Lord places a certain place on your heart and you feel like that is where you are suppose to go, then you need to heed the call from the Lord and you need to go. I admire the W. Family so much cause they are uprooting and going to a place far from people that they love and everything they have ever known.

Learning to stop

Umm ramble much

Wow when depression or the blues hit me, they really hit me.
Trying to stay upbeat and positive is a struggle sometimes.
My brain gets to thinking and usually the outcome is not good.
It is obvious that I have to much time on my hands, when I'm not busy working or interacting with people I can get depression, then again I can get depressed after being around people for a long time. It's so weird, this past summer after camp I seriously went thru a dark time where I stayed in my room and slept and didn't eat much, it took me a good 4 months to recover. What's WRONG WITH ME?

Can we just stop a min and think of how many of my friends or people I know that are dating or getting married, I even had one of my first campers from camp get married last weekend and another of my girls is courting. LIKE SERIOUSLY :-O
I'm happy for them, truly I am, but this is to much, I would love to have what they have, I'm 24 years old and I have never had any guy like me ;( for the longest time I was like that's ok, but deep down it has shot my self confidence lower. (I barely have any to begin with)
I'm always 2nd guessing my self and bringing myself down.
Yes yes yes I know, trust in The Lord and He will bring that person into my life when the right time comes. But it's easier said then done doing the "wait and be patience game"

BUT I have decided I am going to try to be less selfISH and be more selfLESS. I need to be filling up my time serving others and not just during the summer, I've been waiting to do more for others (not in a prideful manner) but I genuinely am happy when others are happy. I absolutely love helping others.


Ok that's all for now.




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10 facts about me

1. I don't like going anywhere by myself
2. I want to live in a tree house.
3.I like working in high stress situations.
4. Children intimidate me because they are brutally honest.
5. The Fall is my favorite season
6. I am a huge supporter of Mom and Pop stores.
7. I don't like hugs
8. I love playing xbox
9. I am horrible at saving money and I tend to buy stuff immediately instead of thinking about it.
10. I want to go travel to 1.Italy
2.Greece 3.Marshall Islands 4.West Coast

Big fat fail

1st: Today I have been quite moody, maybe slightly depressed for some reason. I have been thinking about how old I'm getting and the fact that I haven't figured out where or what I'm suppose to be doing, and all of these younger friends are graduating from college with degrees knowing what they want to do. I get the dreaded question, "so what have you been up to"
And I don't have anything to say.

2nd thought: boyfriend less.
Is there something wrong with me? I have never really had anyone like me (guy wise) and the thought is am I ugly am I to fat is that why I'm not deemed "attractive"??
I'm always comparing myself to all my friends, wishing I could be tall, thin maybe have a better personality. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?
I know the same old words "The Lord will bring the right person for you when you least expect him too" like seriously it's easier said then to believe.

3rd: religion: I have grown up in a Bible believing home, but I'm older now and I have heard sermons all my life. I can memorize scripture easily, I know all the stories from the bible. But I don't know what I believe, I feel as if I have a giant wall between me and God, and I have had it for what seems a long time. I haven't gone to church in a long time, I don't know the reason, maybe I haven't found a church that is where I feel like I belong.

I'm confused and sad, but the weird thing is that I have days where I feel like this and other days I'm fine.

Signing off for right now

-A hot jumbled mess of confusion
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It is ok

I'm slowly accepting the fact that it is ok to cry, crying isn't weakness.
Sometimes you need to cry, I haven't cried in a long long time, and the last time I did cry it was out of anger.
I feel like that I need to cry everything out and I would feel so much better.

Accepting and embracing showing emotion slowly everyday.



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