Depression is like drowning

I keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest. It has changed me into something I never meant to be. It has transformed me into a person I do not recognize; but I don't know how to let it go.
S.J.B

Change

I have a love hate relationship with change, I love change when its on my terms, but I hate it when its the kind of change that will forever affect my life, like when people move away to other states that aren't close to North Carolina. But I guess I should be grateful that things change up, cause if everything was the same forever then life would be boring. Another positive of change is that when this change is good for other people, like my friends the W. Family are moving to New Mexico to be the director of CEF for that state, this is a good kind of change because they are going to a place to tell others who have truly never heard of the good news of the gospel. When the Lord places a certain place on your heart and you feel like that is where you are suppose to go, then you need to heed the call from the Lord and you need to go. I admire the W. Family so much cause they are uprooting and going to a place far from people that they love and everything they have ever known.

Learning to stop

Umm ramble much

Wow when depression or the blues hit me, they really hit me.
Trying to stay upbeat and positive is a struggle sometimes.
My brain gets to thinking and usually the outcome is not good.
It is obvious that I have to much time on my hands, when I'm not busy working or interacting with people I can get depression, then again I can get depressed after being around people for a long time. It's so weird, this past summer after camp I seriously went thru a dark time where I stayed in my room and slept and didn't eat much, it took me a good 4 months to recover. What's WRONG WITH ME?

Can we just stop a min and think of how many of my friends or people I know that are dating or getting married, I even had one of my first campers from camp get married last weekend and another of my girls is courting. LIKE SERIOUSLY :-O
I'm happy for them, truly I am, but this is to much, I would love to have what they have, I'm 24 years old and I have never had any guy like me ;( for the longest time I was like that's ok, but deep down it has shot my self confidence lower. (I barely have any to begin with)
I'm always 2nd guessing my self and bringing myself down.
Yes yes yes I know, trust in The Lord and He will bring that person into my life when the right time comes. But it's easier said then done doing the "wait and be patience game"

BUT I have decided I am going to try to be less selfISH and be more selfLESS. I need to be filling up my time serving others and not just during the summer, I've been waiting to do more for others (not in a prideful manner) but I genuinely am happy when others are happy. I absolutely love helping others.


Ok that's all for now.




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10 facts about me

1. I don't like going anywhere by myself
2. I want to live in a tree house.
3.I like working in high stress situations.
4. Children intimidate me because they are brutally honest.
5. The Fall is my favorite season
6. I am a huge supporter of Mom and Pop stores.
7. I don't like hugs
8. I love playing xbox
9. I am horrible at saving money and I tend to buy stuff immediately instead of thinking about it.
10. I want to go travel to 1.Italy
2.Greece 3.Marshall Islands 4.West Coast

Big fat fail

1st: Today I have been quite moody, maybe slightly depressed for some reason. I have been thinking about how old I'm getting and the fact that I haven't figured out where or what I'm suppose to be doing, and all of these younger friends are graduating from college with degrees knowing what they want to do. I get the dreaded question, "so what have you been up to"
And I don't have anything to say.

2nd thought: boyfriend less.
Is there something wrong with me? I have never really had anyone like me (guy wise) and the thought is am I ugly am I to fat is that why I'm not deemed "attractive"??
I'm always comparing myself to all my friends, wishing I could be tall, thin maybe have a better personality. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?
I know the same old words "The Lord will bring the right person for you when you least expect him too" like seriously it's easier said then to believe.

3rd: religion: I have grown up in a Bible believing home, but I'm older now and I have heard sermons all my life. I can memorize scripture easily, I know all the stories from the bible. But I don't know what I believe, I feel as if I have a giant wall between me and God, and I have had it for what seems a long time. I haven't gone to church in a long time, I don't know the reason, maybe I haven't found a church that is where I feel like I belong.

I'm confused and sad, but the weird thing is that I have days where I feel like this and other days I'm fine.

Signing off for right now

-A hot jumbled mess of confusion
-


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It is ok

I'm slowly accepting the fact that it is ok to cry, crying isn't weakness.
Sometimes you need to cry, I haven't cried in a long long time, and the last time I did cry it was out of anger.
I feel like that I need to cry everything out and I would feel so much better.

Accepting and embracing showing emotion slowly everyday.



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Hurt

Something that will always be apart of me, something that will never go away, something that ONLY God can help me thru it.
Thru the the fire He is always there.


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Mental Battle

Nightmares, all the feelings that I have the fear, anger, bitterness that I have bottled up. I thought I had gotten rid of it. But it is hindering me from moving on with my life, I have a fear of failing school,  I am fearful of people, the fear of not living up to the expectations of people in my life. For People know me as the funny friend, one that will do anything for you. I love seeing people happy, for when they are happy I am happy. So every part of my being is fighting this inner demon that is bogging me down with depression and fear, I need to release all this emotion but I don't like expressing my emotions or feelings, showing emotions is a sign of weakness. But I'm finding that by bottling it all up it is ruining my life, and causing me to battle myself and trying to hold myself in check. Yes I know I'm suppose to look to the Lord and trust Him, and maybe I should see a counselor. But I am to afraid of talking about stuff that I have worked so hard to push back in my head for years. Depressing topic for my first blog post in forever, but I have to say this or I will bust or my mind will burst. I'm not asking for pity, sympathy or even someone to talk to me. I just need to write this out for my sake. All I can ask is for you to pray for me and when I want to talk to someone I will, it just has to be on my terms and when I want to do it.


Working on everything a day at a time.

Tragedy *Christina Perri*

If you could envision
The meaning of a tragedy...oooh
You might be surprised to hear it's you and me
When it comes down to it
You never made the most of it...oooh
So I cried, cried, cried
And now, say goodbye

And I won't be made a fool of...
Don't call this love

When did you decide
I didn't have enough to buy?
Forgive and forget you a thousand times
For the fire and the sleepless nights

And I won't be made a fool of... 
Don't call this love
I don't call this love
...la la la la la la love

Why did you feel the need to prove that everybody else was right?... 
No I... won't fight

Oh you're my tragedy... tragedy
Oh you're my Tragedy,
Oh this is ohhh no no no

The Lonely - Christina Perri

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
Cause the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/christina_perri/the_lonely.html ]
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...

Staying a Extra Week

It's crazy I know, I was only suppose to be at camp 4 weeks out of 6, but ends up I'll be here all 6!
Camp has this addicting factor that makes me never want to leave! :) when I leave I'm like, why am I leaving?? ;) today is the first full day of 7-9 boys! I'll will be posting pictures on the camp blog so go follow and see what we are up too.

Www.campgoodnewsnc.wordpress.com



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this should be illegal!! ;D

Sticky Bun Breakfast Ring

2 small tubes refrigerator buttermilk biscuits OR 1 tube Pillsbury Grands buttermilk biscuits 

3 Tbsp. butter, melted

1/2 C. pancake syrup (any brand you like, I used Mrs. Buttersworth)

1/3 C. packed light brown sugar

1/2 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 C. chopped pecans, optional

1/4 C. chopped almonds, optional

Instructions:

Spray a fluted pan with non-stick spray. Combine the melted butter and syrup in a small bowl and set aside. In another bowl, combine the brown sugar, cinnamon, and nuts (if desired). Place about half of the syrup mixture in the bottom of the pan. Then sprinkle half of the brown sugar mixture on top. Lay the biscuits on the bottom of the pan, overlapping edges (closely together) to form a ring. Top with remaining syrup and sugar mixtures. Bake at 375 degrees for approximately 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Cool for 1 minute in the pan, then invert onto a serving platter and enjoy!

** I ended up using 1 1/2 tubes of the Pillsbury Grands buttermilk biscuits (1 tube didn't seem like enough) and baked it for about 30 minutes. It needed a bit longer to bake since I used more.

I love this song

Summer is upon us

Latest Happenings in my life!

1. Sold my ipad 2 ;( so sad I know, but I'm on the goal to get my 4-runner by the end of this year!

2. started a new  job with Compassionate Care of Charlotte as a CNA

3. Moving into my own apartment downstairs in the house! FINALLY, going from 1 to a 1 room and kitchen and livingroom! WAHOOO, moving up in the world

More later! :D

Salsa ;) yum

Easy Blender Salsa
Ingredients:

1- 14 oz can diced tomatoes
1- 10 oz can orginal Rotel
1/2 small onion, roughly chopped
1 clove garlic, peeled and smashed
1/2-1 jalapeno, seeded or not (depends on how spicy you like it)
1 teaspoon honey
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
small to medium size handful of cilantro, washed
juice of 1 lime
Directions:

Put all the ingredients in the base of a food processor or good blender and pulse to combine for 30 seconds or so until all the ingredients are finely chopped and salsa is desired consistency. Taste for seasoning and adjust to taste. Serve with chips or over tacos.


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Tonsils disappear

I'm at the Ear Nose and Throat place, going to have my first surgery EVER in my whole 21 years of life!! Going to say goodbye to my tonsils!

I'll update later :)
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Products from my baking

1. Oatmeal chocolate pecan cookies


2. Chocolate chip brownies


3.pumpkin bread


4. Mini applesauce bites


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Flowers and Bug

Some Pictures I've taken this year