Big fat fail

1st: Today I have been quite moody, maybe slightly depressed for some reason. I have been thinking about how old I'm getting and the fact that I haven't figured out where or what I'm suppose to be doing, and all of these younger friends are graduating from college with degrees knowing what they want to do. I get the dreaded question, "so what have you been up to"
And I don't have anything to say.

2nd thought: boyfriend less.
Is there something wrong with me? I have never really had anyone like me (guy wise) and the thought is am I ugly am I to fat is that why I'm not deemed "attractive"??
I'm always comparing myself to all my friends, wishing I could be tall, thin maybe have a better personality. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?
I know the same old words "The Lord will bring the right person for you when you least expect him too" like seriously it's easier said then to believe.

3rd: religion: I have grown up in a Bible believing home, but I'm older now and I have heard sermons all my life. I can memorize scripture easily, I know all the stories from the bible. But I don't know what I believe, I feel as if I have a giant wall between me and God, and I have had it for what seems a long time. I haven't gone to church in a long time, I don't know the reason, maybe I haven't found a church that is where I feel like I belong.

I'm confused and sad, but the weird thing is that I have days where I feel like this and other days I'm fine.

Signing off for right now

-A hot jumbled mess of confusion
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It is ok

I'm slowly accepting the fact that it is ok to cry, crying isn't weakness.
Sometimes you need to cry, I haven't cried in a long long time, and the last time I did cry it was out of anger.
I feel like that I need to cry everything out and I would feel so much better.

Accepting and embracing showing emotion slowly everyday.



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Hurt

Something that will always be apart of me, something that will never go away, something that ONLY God can help me thru it.
Thru the the fire He is always there.


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Mental Battle

Nightmares, all the feelings that I have the fear, anger, bitterness that I have bottled up. I thought I had gotten rid of it. But it is hindering me from moving on with my life, I have a fear of failing school,  I am fearful of people, the fear of not living up to the expectations of people in my life. For People know me as the funny friend, one that will do anything for you. I love seeing people happy, for when they are happy I am happy. So every part of my being is fighting this inner demon that is bogging me down with depression and fear, I need to release all this emotion but I don't like expressing my emotions or feelings, showing emotions is a sign of weakness. But I'm finding that by bottling it all up it is ruining my life, and causing me to battle myself and trying to hold myself in check. Yes I know I'm suppose to look to the Lord and trust Him, and maybe I should see a counselor. But I am to afraid of talking about stuff that I have worked so hard to push back in my head for years. Depressing topic for my first blog post in forever, but I have to say this or I will bust or my mind will burst. I'm not asking for pity, sympathy or even someone to talk to me. I just need to write this out for my sake. All I can ask is for you to pray for me and when I want to talk to someone I will, it just has to be on my terms and when I want to do it.


Working on everything a day at a time.

Tragedy *Christina Perri*

If you could envision
The meaning of a tragedy...oooh
You might be surprised to hear it's you and me
When it comes down to it
You never made the most of it...oooh
So I cried, cried, cried
And now, say goodbye

And I won't be made a fool of...
Don't call this love

When did you decide
I didn't have enough to buy?
Forgive and forget you a thousand times
For the fire and the sleepless nights

And I won't be made a fool of... 
Don't call this love
I don't call this love
...la la la la la la love

Why did you feel the need to prove that everybody else was right?... 
No I... won't fight

Oh you're my tragedy... tragedy
Oh you're my Tragedy,
Oh this is ohhh no no no

The Lonely - Christina Perri

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
Cause the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/christina_perri/the_lonely.html ]
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...

Staying a Extra Week

It's crazy I know, I was only suppose to be at camp 4 weeks out of 6, but ends up I'll be here all 6!
Camp has this addicting factor that makes me never want to leave! :) when I leave I'm like, why am I leaving?? ;) today is the first full day of 7-9 boys! I'll will be posting pictures on the camp blog so go follow and see what we are up too.

Www.campgoodnewsnc.wordpress.com



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